Just Another Day in Paradise

It's early morning. I turn over and grab a hold of my pillow, shrink down in the covers and take a minute to be thankful. In the distance I can hear Bella The Lioness calling for her babies. It's a loud cry almost immediately followed by the sound of paw's hitting the grass. I'm glad she's nearby I haven't seen her since late fall. I named her Bella The Lioness after I saw how sweet spirited she is. She has a quite way about her but loud when she wants to be heard, loyal to her cubs and down right loving. As I stretch my arms high and yawn a restful breath I can see through the plantation blinds that the sun is shining. I follow the light from the window to my Michael. He is perfect in every way. I notice how peaceful he sleeps, breathing in and out, almost angelic. I take a deep breath and burrow further under the covers. I consider going back to sleep but I can hear Nicholas and Sophia stirring. I turn back to Michael to see if he'll get up to them, but I'm comforted to know some things will never change. I was made to be an early riser and Michael was born to sleep soundly.

I pier into the children's rooms and I'm again filled with joy and energy. Although they are not mine, I feel just as any mother should…grateful. They fill my heart with happiness each day. Nicholas will be 10 (although I don't bother counting anymore) and is so witty and inventive. He is charming, outspoken, adventurous and if given the opportunity could talk an Eskimo into buying ice. I can't imagine were he gets that from, but I'm sure his parents had something to do with it. I'm excited and can't wait for them to see him. Sophia is about 4, she has long brown curly hair and round brown eyes and although people may think she is my daughter she is not and is nothing like me in personality. She has a kindness to her that only perfection would produce and is very quizzical.

Breakfast consists of fruit and coffee. The coffee is especially delightful this morning. We harvested the beans just yesterday. I call Michael from his bed to say the morning prayer. He appears in the kitchen tall, handsome and ever so relaxed. He rubs his eyes and whispers a "Good morning my love" as he walks by me, he grabs me for a hug (his hugs nowadays are long and tight) as he gives me a smile, kisses Nicholas and Sophia's head and takes a seat with us at the table. Sophia springs from her chair almost immediately to his lap. She loves to look at and admire him in her quizzical way. The questions she has are almost difficult to answer. Consisting of but how? What is hurt? What is sickness?  I admire her from across the table as she presses her head to his chest.  After prayer, breakfast is eaten slowly and enjoyed immensely. I enjoy watching Michael eat, he asks for seconds. Again another smile crosses my face.

While washing the dishes I gaze out my window and breath in the fresh exotic air. Drying the last dish I take in the surroundings. Although the changes in seasons are not drastic, this time of the year we get a new on-slot of flowers, fruits and vegetables. I can smell the Eucalyptus tree. I laugh to myself as I remember having to purchase that aroma in the old system.

Our house is just as we dreamed it to be. It is open in the middle to a small court yard allowing the breeze and fresh air to fill the house. In it's entirety, it is agreeable in size, made of wood planks and thatch, the walls consist of colors of the ocean, while the floors are harvested teak. Outside, you can view the ocean, the mountains and a small waterfall with a brackish river that runs into the ocean. I have a garden that grows and thrives as perfectly as the people and surroundings of our community.

Nicholas catches me in wonderment and brings my attention back to him as he asks  "Can I play with Julianna and Sydney today Sister Sara?"  My answer of course is yes, so I send him with a pouch filled with goodies for his morning snack including a batch of cookies we made the night before.

Out of the corner of my eye, past the garden I catch a glimpse of Sophia by the water giving a kiss to Isabella our neighborhood Monk Seal. I call her back inside and ask her to get my pruning shears. We walk through the garden and clip each stunningly perfect flower. I'm in amazement at the colors of the flowers this year. They are getting brighter and brighter as the years continue. Beneath the Birds of Paradise there is a new nest of birds. Sophia and Nicolas have named each baby. It's nice to see these birds thrive as they once use to be endangered.  Continuing through the garden we make a bouquet for Christine.  Michael, Sophia and I walk toward her and Kurt's ranch. As we approach the house I notice it's empty. This is weird as we see each other the same time each week. Their house is located on a beautiful horse ranch, surrounded by vegetation and pastures. They tend and house the horses for our community.  After noticing that no one is home, we continue down the road a little further to meet them. Along the way we see a group of friends crying. This is a sight we see a lot. Although it's never a question of "What's wrong?" it's a question of "Who? When? Were?". We smile! Another loved one, perfect in all ways. Each time we meet one, we are held in gaze with them. How happy we all are! I quickly shake my head to get out of the trance. Michael asks the Brother how he feels. His reply is the same as many others we meet, he says "I feel very rested, happy and healthy."  Michael relates his experience with the brother.  They both embrace and feel the connection of perfection.  I tell him I'm glad to meet him and that dinner for the community will be held at Brother and Sister Szatkowski's tonight. I give him directions to the official greeting center and then excuse myself so his friends and family can catch up with him.

Eventually we meet up with Kurt and Christine at the bend in the road. We find out that they where not at the house this morning because Kurt had to take care of an emergency this morning. There was a loose Peacock running through a sisters house. As Kurt relates the story the four of us laugh as we imagine what an "emergency" use to be defined as.

On our walk back to the house, Michael and I begin discussions as to the days work ahead. Michael tells me that he needs to tend to the fields for an hour or so. As for me, I'll stop in on Alice and Joanne to see how they are finding their studies and the new knowledge they've acquired. We decide to meet up at noon for lunch and personal study.

Before returning home for lunch I have enough time to visit with my Mother and Father. I can see Dad over the fence minding to his tomatoes. He's looking younger and I can tell his heart is getting stronger. He is looking like Eric, my fleshly brother and soon I will have a hard time telling them apart. He sees me and fatherly says "What's happening Twerp?". "Hey Pops" I ask him "Where I can find Mom?" He says "That she is out visiting with her family, but will return shortly". He invites me to stay for lunch and that his parents and family will be over soon. I tell him that I have lunch plans with Michael and have to feed Sophia and Nicolas but will that I will see him at dinner tonight. I give him a hug and tell him to "take it easy" in a sarcastic tone and wink. He lets out a small chuckle and shakes his head as he looks back to tending his tomatoes.

As I approach the house I see that Michael is home and like me, ready to eat. Our lunch is decidedly small since we will feast tonight. Michael tells me of his morning. He is excited and almost kid-ish in his jesters and story telling. I sit at the table with my legs curled into my chest, peacefully smiling and laughing with him as he recounts his morning. He tells me of how he was able to hold the ladder, with both arms above his head for Chris while he pruned the Mango Tree and how he ran to meet Steven at the road. He said Steven asked him to race. I imagine the sight knowing that Michael wasn't going to go easy on him. He said his Mother came to visit our community to collect fruit for pie's. He said she was beaming with youth. I conquer the same about by Dad and I tell him of my exchange with Alice and Joanne. He expresses his joy that they are here and that they have a chance to be able to be loved in the most correct way. Finishing lunch we begin our studies. We talk of the new knowledge we recently acquired and how unfathomable all this information would have been to be thought up in the old system and understand why we were only told what Jehovah knew we could understand.

Later while Michael and I are enjoying a fresh cut pineapple in our court yard we see Nicolas returning from Chris and Joyce Kelly's. When he comes to us he forgets about lunch and asks "Can we go swimming today? Can we? Can we go?", a question after my own heart, to calm him I exclaim "Yes!". The four of us have found the most splendid spot to go swimming. I grab out the towels and snorkel gear.  Michael grabs his fishing pole and sling.  The kid's grab their sand toys and we are off.

A few short steps to the crystal blue water I again see Isabella the Monk Seal basking in the sun. As soon as Sophia spots her she's off to lay with her in the sand. She belly flops next to her throwing sand in Isabella's face making her give a wakening huff from here nose. She peers through one eye at Sophia and allows her to enjoy her warmth. Nicolas has found a nest of turtle eggs. A lot of nights during this time of the year you can see turtles coming to the sand to bury their eggs. He carefully counts each egg to make sure he didn't miss seeing any hatch. After he is assured that he hasn't missed any excitement he turns to me and asks if he can go swimming. I tell him yes, I know I won't see him for awhile because if he was anything other then human it would be a fish.

I turn to see Michael at his favorite cove that flourishes will all types of fish. He grabs his sling and heads into to the water, I watch him as he walks away. I'm reminded as I look at him how all of his scars have vanished, and his shoulder blades are now as they should have always been. In that moment, I fall in love with him again. Looking back at me before he dives into the water he shouts "Just another day in Paradise Babe!"  I smile, laugh and nod. Under my feet I feel the warm smooth sand. I take a deep breath in, toss my head back and soak in the ocean air and take in the warmth of the sun.

I glance over at Sophia, who to no surprise, has already fallen asleep with Isabella. I consider joining them but instead I decide that first I will join Nicolas for a swim. I grab my snorkel gear and get about waist deep into the water. I pat the top of the water with my hand, rhythmically and repetitively. Within a few minutes Sandy a dolphin an in-dweller of this particular cove appears. I grab hold of her fin and we are on our way. She takes me out to the reef. I let go and before my dissension to discovery I flop on my back and float. I breath in, and out, in and out. The sun beating on me fills me with energy. After a few minutes I decide to swim around and look at the coral. I have been commissioned to take care of the corals. Seeing that I love the water, to swim and plants it's my most favorite place to be. About once every week I will transplant pieces of the coral to other parts of the ocean along our community water front. This has slowly helped to reestablish balance to the aquatic life. As I admire the bright coral colors I see schools of fish, Sammie the turtle and her better half Romeo swimming about and eating. I admire there slowness and no longer have to be envious of there lack of urgency.

After a while of swimming I tire and return to the sand. Michael meets me with a hug at the waters edge and we retreat to our favorite spot for an afternoon nap. The hammock rocks with the wind and each breath is enjoyed by the ocean air.  I lay my head on Michael's chest enjoying the rhythm of his heart.  I close my eyes and fall deep asleep.

I'm startled awake by Sophia's sandy hands pulling at my arm. In her tiny voice she reminds me of our dinner plans.  Michael and I spring awake, refreshed and happy. Upon our return to the house we fill our baskets with fruit and fish for our dinner at Christine's. As with every community dinner night we are filled with anticipation and joy to see what new ones will be joining us for dinner and the conversations to be had among our loving brothers, family and friends. While walking I fall back in line to look upon Michael, I once again reflect and admire that over coming trials, fighting, and standing firm to the end was well worth the wait.

Super bowl weekend 2012. Giants! Really?!?

Mike had a few buddies come from New Jersey to visit him this weekend. They brought us Patron Anejo (so yum) and shared a lot of laughter. They shared stories of BS (before Sara). I recall something about past girlfriends, parties and the "rare but you didn't hear it from me" trouble with the law. I married such a bad boy!!! How did that happen?

I realize that If it wasn't for Mike I wouldn't know a few of the following very important things: Who Sloth is and why he wants a Baabbby Ruth; that it's correctly called "Chocolate Milk", not "Milk Chocolate" (I've been correct about a lot of other words / phrases over the years too); that you have to go north then south to get to New Jersey (any sense of direction [little it may be] that I have is all because of Mike); that the Jersey Shore is hands down better then Maryland's beaches; that real gravy is made with salt not sugar; that the Slim Jim Factory burnt down and they don't make "Hot Slim Jim's" anymore (I seriously know to much about Slim Jim's); that playing cards or any game for that matter and winning is as important as life and death; the list goes on and on…

What wouldn't you know if it wasn't for Mike?

Check out the hunk on the left!

Where has the time gone??

Well everyone it was a fast summer and an even faster November. Are we really half way thru December already? Yeeshh. After what may have been the most hectic and stressful year of our lives (so far) we made it through…again. This time last year, Mike was in a hospital because some kids thought they had something to prove. How's that for where has the time gone?? Yes, it's true that "through these trials we are trying hard to make ourselves complete".

October hit like a bullet: We had a wonderful 10 year anniversary party and we were happy to put things aside to celebrate such a happy occasion; my brother and his wife visited for a month from the Dominican Republic they were good company and we had a lot of fun with them; the CO visit was encouraging and food at the right time; and we also had an on-slot of paper work to fill out and packing to do (we finally got a buyer for our house). Somewhere in October there was a yard sale and I seem to remember snow?!

10 Year Anniversary Party!



November was mostly a blur: What I do remember is that we finally moved from our house on November 12th. We had 26 wonderful friends and family help us move back to Kennett. Moving back to Kennett was a very hard decision for us to make because I would be commuting back and forth to NJ again, we would be leaving friends in NJ and our congregation and we also felt a loss of independence. It was however the best decision we have made!! We have support 24/7 and essentially our own perfect little apartment (thanks to my Dad's hard work within just two short weeks) with a kitchen and living room which lets us keep a sense of independence. It is HOME!

Kitchen:


Living Room:





And finally we sold our house: Closing was suppose to be the 18th, then the 30th, then the 29th and finally on the 28th all was done and we were no longer home owners. I cried all the way home from the closing but not out of sadness…it was out of pure relief! No more paperwork, no more showings, no more…no more…no more. I quickly deleted all my utility bills and mortgage payment reminders from my calendar. Ahhh, a weight lifted. I do miss my house occasionally but I can happily reflect back on the 4 years we lived there and remember that it was something we did, on our own, even if for just a little while.

Mike: Unless he starts a new trial I will no longer be providing health updates. I will use this blog to journal stories of the laughter and love that we as family and friends share. It's a time to be encouraging, upbuilding and live outside of the cancer walls as much as possible. None of us can know what Mike is going through or what he is feeling but we do know that our laughter and love can make him enjoy life. When I reflect on that sentiment I feel empowered to be stronger myself. I know that sometimes he feels tired and I understand that, but even in his weakest moments he is so much stronger then me. He is a great example of courage and love to all those around him.

Lastly to our dear friends and family, I'm sending you a cyber hug (tight squeezzzeee) and thank you for your support whether it be through prayer, visits, calls or cards we love you all and without you we couldn't have made it through 2011. So as they say "Bring on the new year!". 2012 - may it be slower then the last!


Enjoy pictures of our new home and visit soon :)

The Results are In...

As of today, Mike stops his chemo trial of Pazopanib because his tumors grew over the 25% aloud for the trial. Meaning that his cancer was not responsive to the Chemotherapy.

The Doctor suggested another trial for a Hedgehog Inhibitor. I'm researching this information and like other's it seems noninvasive.

Time will tell what the next step is.

Hair Baby!

While Mike and I were pondering the possibility of this Chemo treatment working I was caught ogling over his white hair. My cutie the Swedish model :)

With this Chemo Mike has lost all pigmentation. His hair is completely white (eyelashes and all) and bonus…if this Chemo cures Mike's cancer it might just cure his receding hair line. That's right! He's got new follicles in places were the Chemo from '05 took it away.

Weight-Loss vs. Sara

I ran across another caregivers blogg (Deb http://www.myhusbandskindneycancer.com/) today that mimicked my exact sentiments. As I've mentioned Mike has lost a lot of weight in the past six months. He is now down from 186 to 143 and looking frail to say the least. It's been very difficult to watch him loose so much weight and I'm sure even harder on Mike. I couldn't have said or written it better then Deb "As caregiver, I instantly felt responsible for his weight loss, as I continually blamed myself for maybe not cooking the right meals or offering the nutritious snacks that I should have." And although I know that anyone who knows Mike can understand that he is, well, can be stubborn. He's never been a big eater but he has always been picky as to what he does eat.

I feel bad for Mike too. I know he doesn't want this, and I'm sure he would rather be the picture of health.

It's mostly difficult being repetitive. You start to feel more like a mother then a wife. "Did you drink your ensure? What did you eat for lunch? Can I get you something? Craving anything?" Honestly Mikes got enough Mother's. And as much as I hate bugging Mike about eating, I know he hates me getting on him about it. Over and over again!

The resolution:

Notes on the fridge that will read: Hey handsome! Feeling smoothie today?; Baby, Got the munchies this morning?; If your belly's misbehaving stop and fill that cravin!; You en sure lookin good today!

Submit yours and I'll post them around the house too. It can be about anything that might make Mike chuckle...

That's my solution. I'll let you know how it works out ;)

Vitamin D + Friends = Fun

Blaine, Mikey, Eric, Bear and Mike

Who could resist a trip down this shore this weekend?!? With low humidity and temperatures at a comfortable 86 degrees we packed our bags, took the doors off the jeep and headed to the shore. Because of traffic it took us about an hour-and-half to get there. We went to Margate because I was insistent on not paying for parking. No good that did me because I ended up paying a 10.00 beach tag fee. So bogus...all the guys got away without paying because they were in the water. How convenient, right? We had pizza on the beach. Something I've never done but always wanted too. It sure beats packing sandwiches for 5 guys. I can't say enough about how wonderful the weather was. The breeze off the ocean was so refreshing. The water wasn't bad either...but it was no OBX :) Mike was exhausted on Sunday from the day's activities but he had so much fun Saturday he thought is was well worth it.