Week 3....

STILL NOTHING from Mikes Doc about the trial!! ERR...the waiting game.



On a sunnier note. It's almost spring. I sat on my side stoop yesterday watching my girls run in their pen along with the occasional eating of mulch, relentless barking at squirrels and failed attempts at escaping (sigh). At least they're entertaining to watch and make me laugh! They also make Mike laugh. The picture above was taken of Mike after his last surgery. He was in the hospital for almost a month. But on the 16th day I snuck Malibu up to the hospital to see him. Thankfully we had a more then gracious nurse that was in cahoots with us. Mike and Malibu were equally happy to see each other!

I can see my day lilies popping and my daffodils peaking through. My rose bush on the other hand is still brown, not sure if it survived the winter. Time will tell. I had to resist the urge to garden yesterday 1)Because frost is still a threat and 2) I was, no I am sick. Every year my neighbor mocks me when I'm out in the garden mid-march. I can't help it!! I LOVE it!

Thankfully winter is behind us and we have something new to look forward to each day whether it be a new blossom, a vacation, a day spent outside in the warm air, shedding layers, outdoor picnics, camping, fishing...ah the list goes on!

How to Cope - Part 2

"The role of a caregiver at home is usually accompanied by varying degrees of guilt. This happens regardless of our effectiveness, as it seems to be virtually impossible to care for our loved ones and simultaneously face the realities that we will inevitably lose them. Most of us eventually confront not only the loss of our loved ones, but the guilt that we could have done more, should have known better, would have done differently in retrospect. This increases not only our guilt, but our grief as well. We long to spare our loved ones from the ongoing progression of disease and death – but we cannot save or rescue them. As caregivers, I sometimes think we have placed on ourselves an unattainable goal. Deep inside we begin to believe that we are responsible for the life or death of our loved one." Could not and have never been able to explain it better myself. This exactly defines what I mean when I say "I fear I will feel responsible". Yes, it sounds crazy. Why would "I" feel responsible? It's clear to me now and perfectly expressed by the authors words.

The article goes on to say that guilt is destructive. It impedes our progress. Makes sense to me why I say "I will" feel and not that " I do feel". If I felt guilty now it would only impeded progress on Mikes behalf, not just mine. What I must try and remember is not to spend time berating myself for where "I perceive failure instead of focusing on all the good we achieved, the quality of life we brought to our loved ones and the character development that ensued as a result." Character development. I like those two words. They are self defining. And all the character development from my experiences that I have acquired is in it's own twisted way brings sanity.

The article continues "There is no easy remedy for guilt. No magic formula we can use to erase it from our being. At best, it is an ongoing process, one that we must practice every day so that we can successfully eradicate guilt from our lives. We have to look in the mirror and confidently tell ourselves that we have done the best we were able to do. Given the tools we had to work with, we used our best judgement, and made caregiving decisions that we truly felt were in the best interest of all concerned." Here here!

"Guilt is a common feeling in the landscape of caregiving. Guilt can propel you to be the best you can be…or it can immobilize you." Since guilt is recognized as "common and part of the landscape" I won't let it take over. In this case I will consider guilt a weed and the landscape my character development. Weeds are ugly, stubborn and no matter what you do it can pop up anywhere and at any time but if I want that beautifully manicured landscape I have to work hard at it. I have to take the good and the bad and turn it into the best so I do not become taken over by the weeds.

Shake, Shake, Shake it off!!

Sometimes someone will say something to me that cannot go unshared. The following quote came from someone I know who has fought the hard fight of battling cancer and is winning (YOU GO GIRL!). She said to me "Keep your chin up - life is a challenge - when dirt begins to pile up on your shoulders weighing you down - shake it off - get up on top of it the pile - and keep your head up". Now tell me…is that not the best? When you read it, how big was your pile of dirt? My pile was HUGE! As a matter of fact, my mind had to take an aerial view of the pile - that's how big it was. I like this saying very much because how true, if you don't shake off that dirt, you would be consumed, constricted and eventually unable to move. Same as in life. If you don't shake off the bad, you will become consumed by it, you will start to feel constricted by it and eventually unable to move ON.

I've heard a few other good quotes throughout the years. For example: Smile through the rain, rainbows await. Each time I hear it, it assures me that with every rainstorm comes a brake. Be patient for that brake in the storm. Life is not measured in the number of breaths we take, but rather in the moments that take our breath away. How true is that? We are breathing each day, but does it really matter if those breaths aren't memorable ones?? And of course my ALL TIME FAVORITE - When life hands you lemons make lemonade…then brake out the tequila and salt! I could go on and on…do you have any you would like to share?? I know you do! I know I have readers! Come on…share away…don’t be shy.

On another note. Mike has not heard back from the Doctor regarding the approval of the chemo for the states. STILL…WAITING…

Will keep you posted.

A "yummy" serving of reality!!

I would be remiss not to mention how the reading's (from the Bible Study & Watchtower) of last week were directly pointed at us (although I'm sure a lot of people thought the same thing). Reading each line I was thinking Yes, I know. How kind of you to remind me, TWICE this week!! Yes, we were given hope last week by a Doctor but as usual it was right in front of us all along. I admit I get so tangled in my own emotions that I forget I undoubtedly consider myself of the most fortunate because of the joy set before me and before Mike knowing the .love. that is surrounding us and what we all desire most, Mike's health, WILL be. THIS is how I cope, by His kind words and reminders. I know it all to be and I believe it all truthfully. Sometimes I admit, it's hard to hear repeatedly "we have the hope of the new system" because uh hello!?! - I KNOW. However, hearing it this week was no coincidence. I needed to be comforted by Him and He knew it!

If you're reading this blog (and feeling a little out of the loop) and would like more information as to what articles I'm referring /bible based information please email me at scnarducci@gmail.com or go to www.watchtower.org. Our faith in God is an immeasurable accreditation as to how Mike and I CAN and DO deal with Mike's illness and something that cannot go without mention on this blog.