How to Cope - Part 2

"The role of a caregiver at home is usually accompanied by varying degrees of guilt. This happens regardless of our effectiveness, as it seems to be virtually impossible to care for our loved ones and simultaneously face the realities that we will inevitably lose them. Most of us eventually confront not only the loss of our loved ones, but the guilt that we could have done more, should have known better, would have done differently in retrospect. This increases not only our guilt, but our grief as well. We long to spare our loved ones from the ongoing progression of disease and death – but we cannot save or rescue them. As caregivers, I sometimes think we have placed on ourselves an unattainable goal. Deep inside we begin to believe that we are responsible for the life or death of our loved one." Could not and have never been able to explain it better myself. This exactly defines what I mean when I say "I fear I will feel responsible". Yes, it sounds crazy. Why would "I" feel responsible? It's clear to me now and perfectly expressed by the authors words.

The article goes on to say that guilt is destructive. It impedes our progress. Makes sense to me why I say "I will" feel and not that " I do feel". If I felt guilty now it would only impeded progress on Mikes behalf, not just mine. What I must try and remember is not to spend time berating myself for where "I perceive failure instead of focusing on all the good we achieved, the quality of life we brought to our loved ones and the character development that ensued as a result." Character development. I like those two words. They are self defining. And all the character development from my experiences that I have acquired is in it's own twisted way brings sanity.

The article continues "There is no easy remedy for guilt. No magic formula we can use to erase it from our being. At best, it is an ongoing process, one that we must practice every day so that we can successfully eradicate guilt from our lives. We have to look in the mirror and confidently tell ourselves that we have done the best we were able to do. Given the tools we had to work with, we used our best judgement, and made caregiving decisions that we truly felt were in the best interest of all concerned." Here here!

"Guilt is a common feeling in the landscape of caregiving. Guilt can propel you to be the best you can be…or it can immobilize you." Since guilt is recognized as "common and part of the landscape" I won't let it take over. In this case I will consider guilt a weed and the landscape my character development. Weeds are ugly, stubborn and no matter what you do it can pop up anywhere and at any time but if I want that beautifully manicured landscape I have to work hard at it. I have to take the good and the bad and turn it into the best so I do not become taken over by the weeds.