How to Cope - Part 1

The following sentence provoked my post today: Emotions are healthy and it's vital to understand each emotion. I've learned over the past few days exactly how many miserable moments in the past two weeks I had. I think this is all coming to head now because of the hopeful news we received at the last Doctor visit. Weirdly I don't remember crying much - if you can imagine. I was either dried up, everyone was sad enough for me, or something was lost in translation from heart to brain. I was upset, this I know - but I think what was different is that I wasn't sad-upset, I wasn't angry-upset (I'm a pro at these emotions), I was...I was...hmm I don't know - let's see if I can come up with the kind of upset I was by the end of this post. What I do know is that I was lost on planet SAY WHAT!? Surely I realize now that I was looking way beyond the bend. I was looking to far into the future and I was being forced to plan for it. If I had one more thought of having to pack up my house I would have had a break down. Mike took me off that ledge. Heck, I was looking into having a Living Will written up for Mike. I never WANTED to do this. Even though it's easy and everyone does it (sick or not) as a form of protection. I explain this emotion as another feeling of finality or inevitability.

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I have to brake into this post and tell you this horrific/humorous awake dream I had. There's a question on the living will that asks "Will you donate your body for use in medical science or education?" When I read this question I was frightened because we all know how much Mike likes to torture me (if you don't know Mike in that way, I'll have a post another time on all the way's he's tortured me in the past years. It's actually what has helped him all these years). As soon as I came across this question in the Living Will it occurred to me that at a not so serious point in Mike's state he would write an answer to this question. I imagine it to be something like this: Yes. I would like to donate my organs to medical science and education as long as it's for the Body World's exhibit so all my friends and family can come and see me. Think I'm crazy?? If you answered yes, then Mike doesn't torture you enough! The other day he told me to taxidermy him in an athletic pose and have him in a visible place for all to see. You see? He's sick, (sigh) he's Mike.

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The past few weeks have been about what happens when. I imagine all caregivers go through this at one point because it is in fact the when not the what if. Hearing the hopeful news on Tuesday made me feel that what if again. That's dangerous water to tread. I know. I've done it before. Ugh why am I doing it again? I keep asking myself that question but I guess it's like my sister-in-law said "it's something" it's not nothing like before Tuesday. Resolvent I have come up with what kind of upset I was and why I couldn't pinpoint it before. I had the emotion of being tiered-upset. That's it! I was tiered-upset. Tiered of trying to come up with options, tiered of having to see Mike's roller coaster, tiered of the thought of what the future would bring and I was ultimately tiered of being upset. It is weird how figuring and understanding your emotions really does make you feel better. Maybe it's because you don't feel so alone and you don't feel so crazy.

Do your emotions take you over? Try this. Write down what emotion your feeling and why. You may find a common denominator. Don't beat yourself up and on those bad days try and remember (as I will too)"caregivers find that the task of becoming a main support and care provider for someone else takes a huge emotional toll. It’s common for caregivers to experience bouts of crying, to feel panic, exhaustion, or other strong emotions. Don’t feel guilty – emotions are normal and it’s best to identify and express them".

In the continuing weeks I will be reading more about the care-giving role and how to cope. I will be posting to the blog research that I find. Next weeks topic: Common emotions that cause caregivers difficulties include guilt.

Signing off Missy style... MUAH!